So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
