I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
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