He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
