aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Randomize
