God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
