Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
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