I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
