I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Randomize
