feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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