We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
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