Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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