I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
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