Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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