imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
