Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
