A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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