I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I am puke
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Randomize
