Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
She told me I should be a condom model.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Randomize
