I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
