they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Randomize
