never play flip cup with pint glasses
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
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