there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
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