Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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