I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
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