My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Randomize
