I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
Randomize
