4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
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Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
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Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
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