I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
