They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
