remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
