I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
