I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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