I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
