this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
