I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Randomize