We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
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