two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
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We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
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I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
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