i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
yup put them legs up on your shoulders and eat her like some folgers
eat her like coffee?
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
I forgot wine drunk hurts
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
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