when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
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