My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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