so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
