Your face is a jimmy john
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
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