When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Randomize
