Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
