wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
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