Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
The Olympian is in my bed
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
Randomize
