Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
I currently don't understand fingers.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
