Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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