someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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