I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
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