she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
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