SEEEEXXX PLEASE
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
