Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Randomize
