i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
