sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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