your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Randomize
