why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Randomize
