im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
