Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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