dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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