News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
