I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
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