That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
Randomize
