Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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